tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751912584154911320.post3294423497054955512..comments2011-09-27T18:06:02.132-07:00Comments on Andrew Tallman Show Articles: To Wives: Some Advice On Preventing An AffairAndrew Tallmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16371248611403136028noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751912584154911320.post-42593822799209041872007-10-23T19:29:00.000-07:002007-10-23T19:29:00.000-07:00Gail, Thank you for the thoughtful comments. As a...Gail, <BR/><BR/>Thank you for the thoughtful comments. As a writer, I know how long it takes to make such lengthy ones. <BR/><BR/>I'd love you to post this on my blog as a response, and I'll do it for you if you don't mind (without your name, of course, unless you prefer it to be included). <BR/><BR/>The biggest danger in writing my article was that it would be read by men as a license to be dissatisfied with their wives or as a way of nudging them with their elbows and saying, "See, I told you so." I tried to avoid that many different ways, but mostly by the title and the clarity that this was written "to wives." A wife who loves her husband is motivated to meet his needs. This does not guarantee that he will be faithful any more than (as you assert) a husband who is doing his job properly will guarantee that his wife will do what she should. Both have free will. <BR/><BR/>When you complain that I think marriage should be fun all the time, I think you've missed the point of the article. It's not about men expecting things to be done for them, it's about women realizing what they can do to cause their husbands to be satisfied in them. Your examples of illness or pregnancy or cooking aren't the issue. Of course there are times when what a man desires may not be available. A woman who is incapable of meeting these needs cannot be blamed for that. But a woman who can meet them and chooses to not do so is selfish and is not being a good wife. And, as I said in the arcitle, none of this justifies infidelity. Period. <BR/><BR/>We are indeed spiritual beings, but spiritual beings in bodies. Our bodies are not evil and our bodliy appetites are not evil so long as they are kept in their proper place. God gave them to us. <BR/><BR/>I'm so glad you have a strong marriage with great satisfaction for both if you. I'm sure you're aware how many people do not have this same joy. It was for these people that I wrote this article. Unless I am mistaken, you already practice the things I have advocated, and they are working in your own marriage. In fact, as you, yourself, said, "I have fulfilled all his sexual needs and he needs no other fantasy." Precisely. He needs no other fantasy and desires none other exactly because you have satisfied him. Unfortunately, as one email I received from a couple who were glad I wrote this because it really got them talking about how to make their marriage better showed, this is not the case for many others. <BR/><BR/>It is excellent advice to tell people to wait until they are married for all the things marriage should be, and, as you know, this makes marriage so much easier (and better). Unfortunately we live in a world where the vast majority of people (including those who claim to be born again) do not practice this. We must find useful advice for these people as well. They aren't able to go back and do it right from the beginning. <BR/><BR/>You claim that I have lied about men being prone to promiscuity. It's theologically simplifying to say that a born again man doesn't struggle this way, but it's not accurate. For those who have strong desires, God sometimes delivers them from all of them and sometimes does not. Imagine a former heroin addict compared with a never-user. Both may abstain, but only the former addict knows the pleasure he is choosing to forego. It sounds like your husband is a very lucky/blessed man to have never been involved in the heroin of pornography. But he is not like most men, even Christian men, at least these days. <BR/><BR/>As far as finding other women appealing, most women think in a fundamentally different way about sex and do not grasp this about men. Thus, they are quite shocked by it. A major part of the purpose of writing that article was to bridge that awareness gap. That's why men who read this article usually (not always) will say, "Yep, I hate that it's true, but it is." By the way, it is this nature in men which explains the domesticating effect of marriage on the anti-social impulses of the single male. Marriage is necessary precisely because it transforms the very dangerous single male into a very useful married male. George Gilder's book "Men and Marriage" is outstanding on this point. <BR/><BR/>A man has the primary responsibility for his marriage. We agree about that. But there are things a woman can do to make that burdern lighter or heavier. A giving woman makes being a good husband a joy. A withholding woman makes being a good husband very difficult. This article, of course, is only half of the story, but at 2000 words, it was already quite long enough. In fact, the upcoming article in the November issue will be the other side of the story: To men, how to have great wives. <BR/><BR/>But here's the main point. My article was intended to be perspective and advice to wives. I haven't read anything in your response that would offer different advice to wives. Since I believe my analysis of men describes in far more accuracy the large majority of men as they actually are (even if they should be otherwise), I stand by the advice. You can say that Christian men should be different or that good husbands don't need these things, but that doesn't help the wives of such men since they can't do anything about it. I always want advice to be something that the person I'm talking with can follow in order to improve the situation. <BR/><BR/>If most wives fed, admired, and gave sexual pleasure to their husbands more often, their marriages would be better. In fact, after the interview I did with a Rabbinical Cambridge scholar last night about divorce and remarriage, I'm even more convinced these are Biblical duties of wives which have parallel duties for husbands. If you disagree with this point in particular, that would be the thing to focus on because that was essentially the thesis of the entire article. "Do these things, and your marriage will be better. If the marriage is better, adultery will be less likely." If you disagree with this claim, I would sincerly like to know why. <BR/><BR/>Please forgive me if any of this sounds strident. I have tried (as I always do) to make it not so. Email is such an inferior form of communication compared to personal conversation if only for the reason that tone of voice is completely lost. <BR/><BR/>Thank you again for writing, and let me know if you object to me posting your comments on the blog. I think they are very useful. Disagreement, when productive, forces people to refine and focus their thinking. Yours has done this for me. So, thank you. =) <BR/><BR/>AndrewAndrew Tallmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16371248611403136028noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4751912584154911320.post-83280204814843113792007-10-23T19:24:00.000-07:002007-10-23T19:24:00.000-07:00(An email posted with permission)Hello Andrew,My h...(An email posted with permission)<BR/>Hello Andrew,<BR/><BR/>My husband and I discussed this, and here are our opinions. Because we have been married 33 years, we think we are somewhat experts on this subject. We have two grown daughters who are committed totally to Christ and live their lives serving Him. They are great examples that we did something right!<BR/><BR/>We were both Spirit-filled Christians when we met and married in 1974. We had no prior marriages or strong relationships, and no ungodly behaviors in our past. We learned together as virgins. My husband is one of the Godliest men I know. A man of character and integrity. To think that living a life of having all his sexual needs, food needs, and ego needs fulfilled is a fantasy. This type of thinking is strictly selfish and self-centered.<BR/><BR/>From the very beginning of our marriage he showed me what it is like for a man to fulfill Eph. 5:35 where he loved me like himself. In loving me that way, he took on the form of a servant. He has sacrificed his life for me and the children in every way imaginable, never complaining, and never whining that his needs weren't met. He never criticized me for the way I looked, nor for the way I cooked.<BR/><BR/>You stated a man is predisposed to be promiscuous. That is a lie from hell. Who told you that? A man (if he is born again) of God is a renewed man. He doesn't have the inclination towards sinful behaviors. (If you do, then you need counseling.) It's not a struggle to remain faithful to a wife when you have a renewed mind and guard your eye-gate. You state that almost all men are like this...prone to infidelity, meant to hunt women as an animal, as one having no character or morality. These are lies! A man who has knelt at the foot of the cross and lives for Christ is not an animal, and is not prone toward the sin nature. He is a NEW creature in Christ! He has conquered the sin nature, and has dominion and authority over it!<BR/><BR/>You said the thing that allows a man to cheat on his wife is because his wife is not meeting his three base needs: sex, food, and ego building. What self-centered, blame shifting, childish opinion is that! The Bible says a man of God is a servant who seeks to serve and give, and lay down his own desires and live for his wife. I guarantee you, when he's doing that, she is responding! The greater responsibility lies on HIM first, not on HER! God started with the man and puts the covering and responsibility on him to do right first, not her. I Peter 3:7 says his prayers are hindered if he is not living with his wife with understanding!<BR/><BR/>Furthermore, my husband never expected me to dress like a tramp or a prostitute in bed! I am a Godly woman. I am not a whore! He married me because I was pure and without sexual sins. He married a Godly woman who does not imitate the lost world. My husband has no desire to read pornography in magazines or on the computer. I have fulfilled<BR/>all his sexual needs and he needs no other fantasy, and those are his<BR/>words.<BR/><BR/>Another thing...who ever said marriage was going to be fair, fun, enjoyable and pleasurable all the time? If you expect your sexual needs to be met all the time, then when she is ill, goes through childbirth and nursing, or any number of medical scenarios that prevents you from having sex, THEN what are you going to do? Justify it by going to the strip joint?? When she's not able to cook for you, then you better get off your behind and cook for yourself and the children. And when you screw up and get fired from your job, or do something that makes her disrespect you, then HUMBLE yourself and ask for forgiveness, and work your tail off to earn her respect back! She's not going to admire failure!!<BR/><BR/>ONE LAST THING YOU FORGOT TO MENTION. Man is a spiritual being. His first need before sex, food, and ego building is to have a<BR/>relationship that will fulfill him in Jesus Christ. He needs a prayer life. He needs to pray with his wife and children. He needs to be the spiritual leader in his home by example in his servant hood to his wife and family, and by being a Godly man full of character and integrity, who walks uprightly as the Bible teaches him to do. The Bible never tells us to fulfill our own lusts of the flesh, eyes, and mind, but to lay those base things down and live a victorious life fully submitted to Christ in all areas. Then we are real men and women of God. Then we are thoroughly satisfied. By being servants to each other and to Christ.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com